[ he appreciates the attempt. it's not like saying the name sets him off or anything, but its clearly something he avoids talking about for the most part, and -- his turn to feel a little strange, now. he only ever really talked about this to carolina in small pieces, and -- no one else. york would've tried, and wash would've always dodged around it. north actually tried, and wash still refused to talk about it even with north having seen quite a bit with his own eyes thanks to walking right into a dream.
maybe the difference is that this isn't about someone who wants to talk about it to help him, or anything. this is more about helping south, and even then -- that's not completely right. it's trying to make a connection, he guesses. either way its not people trying to help him, and that seems to matter a lot. go figure.
he nods. ] -- Epsilon. Yeah.
[ there is a distinct shift in his tone, subtle as it might be, a little more empty, a little more detached. for as practiced as he is, he still finds it safer to just try and keep more distance if he ever has to talk about it directly. ]
World of difference between an unstable AI fragment being shoved into your brain and having a brother, I know, but. [ a half-shrug. ] I spent a lot of time -- figuring out which things weren't me. Trying to find myself again, in all the mess.
[ he tips his head back against the wall again, lifting his gaze up towards the sky. it's darker out, now. ]
I don't know if I ever found it, honestly.
[ it took -- emptying himself out. hollowing himself completely. trying to build himself up from nothing again, trying to make sure it was the right things he was sliding into place and not something bleeding through . . . it was hard. still is. and while it's very, very different from anything south's been through, he still does kind of know what it's like to define himself wholly around what he isn't, and to struggle with feeling like himself at all. ]
no subject
maybe the difference is that this isn't about someone who wants to talk about it to help him, or anything. this is more about helping south, and even then -- that's not completely right. it's trying to make a connection, he guesses. either way its not people trying to help him, and that seems to matter a lot. go figure.
he nods. ] -- Epsilon. Yeah.
[ there is a distinct shift in his tone, subtle as it might be, a little more empty, a little more detached. for as practiced as he is, he still finds it safer to just try and keep more distance if he ever has to talk about it directly. ]
World of difference between an unstable AI fragment being shoved into your brain and having a brother, I know, but. [ a half-shrug. ] I spent a lot of time -- figuring out which things weren't me. Trying to find myself again, in all the mess.
[ he tips his head back against the wall again, lifting his gaze up towards the sky. it's darker out, now. ]
I don't know if I ever found it, honestly.
[ it took -- emptying himself out. hollowing himself completely. trying to build himself up from nothing again, trying to make sure it was the right things he was sliding into place and not something bleeding through . . . it was hard. still is. and while it's very, very different from anything south's been through, he still does kind of know what it's like to define himself wholly around what he isn't, and to struggle with feeling like himself at all. ]