[ She flashes him a crooked grin, if only for a second; she was absolutely never a scout. She opens the bottle and takes a swig, wipes her mouth after she lowers it again.
It sure would've been nice, and maybe he'd have gotten there but she'll never know, now, she supposes. She's not sure if it'd be kinder to herself to tell herself they'd have figured it out, or to tell herself that it'd have all gone the way it did on the rig. Ended in them not even talking at all, in North unable to even look at her if he couldn't find it in him to forgive her. Which he never would, she was sure. ]
Now... guess it's for other you poor assholes who gotta put up with me. [ there's a wry little note to it ] And— y'know, for myself, I guess. I don't... I don't want to fuck my whole entire fuckin' life up over and over, y'know? Getting too old for that shit. Me in my twenties had far too much fuckin' energy doing that shit over and over.
[ She says that like it's a joke and it kind of is—it's not like she actually stopped once she turned thirty, all her worst actions came after—but she has had a bad habit of burning everything to the ground around her for one reason or another. Because she thought it was coming anyway, because something got too serious and she got scared, so on and so on.
Now she's thirty-three, older than her brother will ever be thanks to her own actions, both older and younger than she should be because of her own actions, and... she's tired. She's tired of everything going to hell. She can't control the world around her, but she can control herself. Mostly. ]
no subject
Scout's honour.
[ She flashes him a crooked grin, if only for a second; she was absolutely never a scout. She opens the bottle and takes a swig, wipes her mouth after she lowers it again.
It sure would've been nice, and maybe he'd have gotten there but she'll never know, now, she supposes. She's not sure if it'd be kinder to herself to tell herself they'd have figured it out, or to tell herself that it'd have all gone the way it did on the rig. Ended in them not even talking at all, in North unable to even look at her if he couldn't find it in him to forgive her. Which he never would, she was sure. ]
Now... guess it's for other you poor assholes who gotta put up with me. [ there's a wry little note to it ] And— y'know, for myself, I guess. I don't... I don't want to fuck my whole entire fuckin' life up over and over, y'know? Getting too old for that shit. Me in my twenties had far too much fuckin' energy doing that shit over and over.
[ She says that like it's a joke and it kind of is—it's not like she actually stopped once she turned thirty, all her worst actions came after—but she has had a bad habit of burning everything to the ground around her for one reason or another. Because she thought it was coming anyway, because something got too serious and she got scared, so on and so on.
Now she's thirty-three, older than her brother will ever be thanks to her own actions, both older and younger than she should be because of her own actions, and... she's tired. She's tired of everything going to hell. She can't control the world around her, but she can control herself. Mostly. ]