[ working with it and pushing past it is admirable, but not exactly something necessary. if everyone involved is aware, then that's fine. as for what he can share . . . well. he thinks d'artagnan might benefit from hearing more about his own doubts, his own hesitancies. ]
I've got problems with control. [ not exactly a secret, to anyone who knows him even slightly beyond the surface level, still a bit personal to just admit, but d'artagnan has noble goals and has been willing to be vulnerable in service of that. so wash will answer it in kind, though he'll stop short of sharing the details of where it comes from. ] I like having it, and I don't like giving it up. That was before coming here.
So showing up here, being assigned a Dominant, you'd think I'd enjoy it, or take to it naturally. But that just makes it worse. What the city does isn't right, and I don't like that there are parts of me that can feel inclined to take advantage of it. Even when we're just drugged up on whatever they've decided to feed us, even when I know that I'm not actually fully aware of the choices I'm making in those altered states of mind. I know myself, and I know what I'm capable of. So I make it a point to be careful.
I won't pretend to have it figured out. I spent a lot of time outright avoiding pushing things with my contract partners even when I knew that might be what they wanted. But that would hurt them in different ways, too. Something I'm still working on.
[ the great thing about knowing ororo and d'artagnan are an item and being able to gently tease him for his obvious discomfort around calling her his girlfriend is that he can't quite be called out for his blatant hypocrisy! but he's still -- navigating this, with natasha. they've made progress. ]
With contracts, its hard not to feel the weight of the city's hand on their backs. Outside of that, though, it's generally more straightforward. If what I want is what they want, if everyone involved is aware of the potential risks and willing to engage regardless or because of them, that's enough for me.
You've noticed I've not talked about shibari or restraints. I can go into my reasons for that specifically, if you'd like, but I don't know if they'd resonate with you. I could also always, of course, show you.
no subject
[ working with it and pushing past it is admirable, but not exactly something necessary. if everyone involved is aware, then that's fine. as for what he can share . . . well. he thinks d'artagnan might benefit from hearing more about his own doubts, his own hesitancies. ]
I've got problems with control. [ not exactly a secret, to anyone who knows him even slightly beyond the surface level, still a bit personal to just admit, but d'artagnan has noble goals and has been willing to be vulnerable in service of that. so wash will answer it in kind, though he'll stop short of sharing the details of where it comes from. ] I like having it, and I don't like giving it up. That was before coming here.
So showing up here, being assigned a Dominant, you'd think I'd enjoy it, or take to it naturally. But that just makes it worse. What the city does isn't right, and I don't like that there are parts of me that can feel inclined to take advantage of it. Even when we're just drugged up on whatever they've decided to feed us, even when I know that I'm not actually fully aware of the choices I'm making in those altered states of mind. I know myself, and I know what I'm capable of. So I make it a point to be careful.
I won't pretend to have it figured out. I spent a lot of time outright avoiding pushing things with my contract partners even when I knew that might be what they wanted. But that would hurt them in different ways, too. Something I'm still working on.
[ the great thing about knowing ororo and d'artagnan are an item and being able to gently tease him for his obvious discomfort around calling her his girlfriend is that he can't quite be called out for his blatant hypocrisy! but he's still -- navigating this, with natasha. they've made progress. ]
With contracts, its hard not to feel the weight of the city's hand on their backs. Outside of that, though, it's generally more straightforward. If what I want is what they want, if everyone involved is aware of the potential risks and willing to engage regardless or because of them, that's enough for me.
You've noticed I've not talked about shibari or restraints. I can go into my reasons for that specifically, if you'd like, but I don't know if they'd resonate with you. I could also always, of course, show you.