[She knows, and she'd been very supportive of his decline to participate, that gesture itself planting a seed of determination to overcome his issues with this, both because D'Artagnan does genuinely want to conquer his irrational fear, and because he'd felt inadequate, the ensuing need to confront such a challenge only growing since its inception. Ororo wasn't disappointed in him, not in a way that's judgmental, but he'd taken his own decision to step away from it as a failure, admitting a weakness he can no longer abide. Wash's words are read carefully, and understood, as he knows that concern with having certain parts of himself, buried desires and instincts, or potentially dangerous traits exaggerated, and needing to use as much caution as possible to lessen the impacts. D'Artagnan presently has less self-control than he'd used to, emotionally fragile and distraught, and he's quite aware that makes him more volatile and susceptible.]
It's more difficult to fight against one's own nature than something external. I don't particularly desire control, I don't think, but I am violent and bloodthirsty and savage, and not all of those traits are so far buried they're unreachable. I've had control, in a way, and I've thought at times, perhaps uncharitably, that my position at home would've been that of a SIN guard here, at the very least one of their 'police' officers.
[It's not a concept that had existed in his time, not with a name or a distinction thusly, but he encompassed it and he recognises the similarities.]
I know myself capable of terrible things, and that I don't always possess the restraint I should, nor had I cared to, for a long time. I've not engaged sexually with any of my contract partners as a Dominant, and I'd not that desire to further muddle things, but I understand its complication. For the risks, I've not had many discussions that weren't in part unplanned and in the moment, and in those instances, I was not... the one in command of it.
You needn't go beyond broad themes if you've no desire to. I would like perhaps to be shown.
[Shown what? He's not quite sure, or what that would entail, but he knows himself and how he best learns, thrown into it directly.]
I find I am better instructed through demonstration and participation.
no subject
It's more difficult to fight against one's own nature than something external. I don't particularly desire control, I don't think, but I am violent and bloodthirsty and savage, and not all of those traits are so far buried they're unreachable. I've had control, in a way, and I've thought at times, perhaps uncharitably, that my position at home would've been that of a SIN guard here, at the very least one of their 'police' officers.
[It's not a concept that had existed in his time, not with a name or a distinction thusly, but he encompassed it and he recognises the similarities.]
I know myself capable of terrible things, and that I don't always possess the restraint I should, nor had I cared to, for a long time. I've not engaged sexually with any of my contract partners as a Dominant, and I'd not that desire to further muddle things, but I understand its complication. For the risks, I've not had many discussions that weren't in part unplanned and in the moment, and in those instances, I was not... the one in command of it.
You needn't go beyond broad themes if you've no desire to. I would like perhaps to be shown.
[Shown what? He's not quite sure, or what that would entail, but he knows himself and how he best learns, thrown into it directly.]
I find I am better instructed through demonstration and participation.