[ it is a boon in some ways that wash readily takes advantage of, but -- especially with how it came to be, with the life he's lived. calling it literal torture wouldn't be an exaggeration. and yet he'd never give it up, in all his experience of all the fantastical things available here has never sought a way to get rid of it. part of his tendency to self-destruct, probably, but its also just part of him. who he is. he's had to reconstruct who he is piece by piece out of a countless memories that aren't even his, and he wouldn't know how to define himself any other way.
but that's lost on most people. the constant vigilance, the need for him to keep memories at bay, to make sure he holds onto who he is and where he is and what he's doing at any at all times. though people tend to understand at least some of difficulties of it if they think about it for a while, to most that wash has shared that with, its just been something interesting he can do. so while he can't quite see how upset d'artagnan is, while wash can't see into his head -- the fact that his immediate reaction was to turn away, his hands wringing. that's different.
he appreciates it, though. but he won't call him out on it, or linger on it -- but there is a definite pause of slight surprise in answer to d'artagnan's assessment. because it's closer than most people get, even after having known him for longer, painfully close for someone who doesn't know any of what wash's been through. not part of that collective any longer -- not what they made you -- memories of white walls and steel pressed against his spine flicker briefly through his thoughts, right in front of his eyes, clear as day, but. he's very well-practiced, by now, after all these years, in not letting himself slip into it.
he nods. ]
Yeah. Definitely. [ his voice is light, calm. whatever d'artagnan's thinking of, he can see the way his hands are working, and -- he's okay. really. all things considered. he'll try to bring him back. ] Also just means I like learning new things. I'm not a genius, memory isn't the same as processing the information I get, but I still learn very quickly compared to most, depending on the skill.
Before the bonus memory kicked in, I'd restrained partners before, but just simple things. I knew my way around rope, but just using cuffs or something was fine. I still liked being in control. But after. [ he didn't just like it anymore. he needed it. ] After, I started getting into rope just as something to learn. Things to fill my head, and something to do with my hands.
[ something that wasn't just -- killing. ]
And to be honest with you, that was where I thought it'd stop. I didn't really think I'd genuinely do it with people, because I couldn't trust myself to. But I started doing it anyway.
no subject
but that's lost on most people. the constant vigilance, the need for him to keep memories at bay, to make sure he holds onto who he is and where he is and what he's doing at any at all times. though people tend to understand at least some of difficulties of it if they think about it for a while, to most that wash has shared that with, its just been something interesting he can do. so while he can't quite see how upset d'artagnan is, while wash can't see into his head -- the fact that his immediate reaction was to turn away, his hands wringing. that's different.
he appreciates it, though. but he won't call him out on it, or linger on it -- but there is a definite pause of slight surprise in answer to d'artagnan's assessment. because it's closer than most people get, even after having known him for longer, painfully close for someone who doesn't know any of what wash's been through. not part of that collective any longer -- not what they made you -- memories of white walls and steel pressed against his spine flicker briefly through his thoughts, right in front of his eyes, clear as day, but. he's very well-practiced, by now, after all these years, in not letting himself slip into it.
he nods. ]
Yeah. Definitely. [ his voice is light, calm. whatever d'artagnan's thinking of, he can see the way his hands are working, and -- he's okay. really. all things considered. he'll try to bring him back. ] Also just means I like learning new things. I'm not a genius, memory isn't the same as processing the information I get, but I still learn very quickly compared to most, depending on the skill.
Before the bonus memory kicked in, I'd restrained partners before, but just simple things. I knew my way around rope, but just using cuffs or something was fine. I still liked being in control. But after. [ he didn't just like it anymore. he needed it. ] After, I started getting into rope just as something to learn. Things to fill my head, and something to do with my hands.
[ something that wasn't just -- killing. ]
And to be honest with you, that was where I thought it'd stop. I didn't really think I'd genuinely do it with people, because I couldn't trust myself to. But I started doing it anyway.