[ its been a long while since anyone's called wash insane -- the people who know him from home to have seen him at his worst are all gone, and by the time he'd arrived here he was already older, already with years of practice on how to hold a front and how to not immediately snap at the merest suggestion of instability. he'd probably still snap at it if it came up at the wrong time. sometimes, at his worst, he does really think he went mad all those years ago, that everything since has just been echoes and shadows -- sometimes he thinks he's the echo and shadow. but mostly, he fights it. pushes it back. chooses who he is. and that matters a lot, to him.
d'artagnan doesn't seem to entirely notice the tears falling. wash does, of course. but he doesn't seem in distress, just moved in some way, so wash will make no move to comfort him or address it. he doesn't know d'artagnan well enough to know what struggle he might have in his own mind, with his own demons, with whatever he calls irrational. but clearly d'artagnan sees something in wash's description of his own troubles. he'd have been happy to linger and talk about it more, but d'artagnan moves on, and so wash will, too. before they leave here today, wash thinks that he'll touch on it again.
but for now. he just nods, quiet and acknowledging, at his whispered thank you. whatever it is he managed to offer d'artagnan, he doesn't yet fully understand, but doesn't need to. that he offered him something at all is enough. ]
Sometimes people want that. The violence, the aggression. [ that's what felix had been, and some of wash's other partners in the past. complicated, messy. not a good example to set, but wash is committing to being honest about his own experience, hopefully to d'artagnan's benefit. ] So sometimes I'd take them up on it, feed into it. But I wouldn't recommend that.
[ but he did enjoy it. for better and for worse. ]
But I've had people approach me for it for different reasons -- and you've probably heard them before, yeah? [ or maybe he hasn't! he didn't talk to ororo like he thought he might have. and he doesn't want to assume, but ororo is a woman of such power, grace, and someone who in a way wash is quite sympathetic to seems to never stop working. how many businesses does she run here, and what he knows of her role back home, and the way she always looks after everyone around her -- and for someone like her, well. if he were to imagine. ] For some people their regular lives are exhausting enough that there's an appeal to letting go and letting someone else take the reins for a while. Some people are always thinking, always worrying, and just want to turn their thoughts off for a while. [ natasha's more like that. ] Some people like acting out just to get pushed down. Others just think its fun or sexy and there doesn't need to be much actual logic behind it.
You've said you've discussed things of this nature before, but with you not being the one in control. If you're willing to talk about it, what do you think you got out of those times?
[ wash is circling a little, mostly just trying to learn more about d'artagnan and what he already thinks and believes, in effort to resonate with him better with his own reasons. ]
no subject
d'artagnan doesn't seem to entirely notice the tears falling. wash does, of course. but he doesn't seem in distress, just moved in some way, so wash will make no move to comfort him or address it. he doesn't know d'artagnan well enough to know what struggle he might have in his own mind, with his own demons, with whatever he calls irrational. but clearly d'artagnan sees something in wash's description of his own troubles. he'd have been happy to linger and talk about it more, but d'artagnan moves on, and so wash will, too. before they leave here today, wash thinks that he'll touch on it again.
but for now. he just nods, quiet and acknowledging, at his whispered thank you. whatever it is he managed to offer d'artagnan, he doesn't yet fully understand, but doesn't need to. that he offered him something at all is enough. ]
Sometimes people want that. The violence, the aggression. [ that's what felix had been, and some of wash's other partners in the past. complicated, messy. not a good example to set, but wash is committing to being honest about his own experience, hopefully to d'artagnan's benefit. ] So sometimes I'd take them up on it, feed into it. But I wouldn't recommend that.
[ but he did enjoy it. for better and for worse. ]
But I've had people approach me for it for different reasons -- and you've probably heard them before, yeah? [ or maybe he hasn't! he didn't talk to ororo like he thought he might have. and he doesn't want to assume, but ororo is a woman of such power, grace, and someone who in a way wash is quite sympathetic to seems to never stop working. how many businesses does she run here, and what he knows of her role back home, and the way she always looks after everyone around her -- and for someone like her, well. if he were to imagine. ] For some people their regular lives are exhausting enough that there's an appeal to letting go and letting someone else take the reins for a while. Some people are always thinking, always worrying, and just want to turn their thoughts off for a while. [ natasha's more like that. ] Some people like acting out just to get pushed down. Others just think its fun or sexy and there doesn't need to be much actual logic behind it.
You've said you've discussed things of this nature before, but with you not being the one in control. If you're willing to talk about it, what do you think you got out of those times?
[ wash is circling a little, mostly just trying to learn more about d'artagnan and what he already thinks and believes, in effort to resonate with him better with his own reasons. ]