[ whittling, that's a good one. not something wash's ever personally sought out, but something he quietly tucks into the back of his mind as something he could do, since he already has the base knife skills -- but the distance from the knife skills are what appeals to him about a lot of what he gets into. wash nods. ]

I'm actually pretty good with a needle and thread, now. Or knitting.

I don't know you that well, or what's in your head, so I can't tell you how rational it might be. [ fear is sometimes a purely instinctive response, but other times, a logical one. wash doesn't like when people tell him that he has no reason to distrust himself, because he does. he needs to be careful. he needs to stay vigilant. maybe d'artagnan's the same, and maybe he isn't. but regardless; ] You aren't just in control or not -- it's not just something you are. It's something you do.

[ and for some people, the thing it is they're doing might be simple enough to fade in the background. but for wash, for whom mere existence and exerting himself as a person against the constant pressures in his head is a continual and conscious effort -- the work is part of the point. being afraid of what might happen if he doesn't is part of the point. he chooses to continue to exert control, chooses to continue to exert who he is. to separate it from who he doesn't want to be. ]

I choose what I'm doing. I choose what I want to be. Something not violent or terrible, as you said. And I didn't want to tie anyone or push anyone too far, because I always saw it as violent, aggressive. [ he shifts slightly, makes a small sigh as he leans forward. ] And sometimes it was. I wasn't always so careful.

But people began to ask it of me. And I started to see it differently.