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WASHINGTON. ([personal profile] protocol) wrote2021-10-16 12:49 pm
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duplicity inbox





placeholder content up here until rocket gets his shit together

expect nsfw.
gascogne: (2.06228)

[personal profile] gascogne 2024-12-27 04:50 pm (UTC)(link)
[D'Artagnan makes a small amused noise at those listed hobbies, not because he sees something such as knitting as unbefitting as perhaps interpreted, but because he'd been given a book on leatherworking as a recent gift, and he intends to take up needle and thread himself. He sobers instantly as Wash addresses something of far more importance to D'Artagnan, words piercing deep inside him in a way that allows him to breathe through what he'd felt a stifling restriction for far too long. The simplicity of it, the truth of it, gives him something to hold onto almost desperately, for no one has ever implied, let alone told him outright, that only he can determine whether or not his thoughts, his fears, are founded and rational. That he's not dismissed as unwell or unstable, not seen as out of control independently to what he's able to direct and regulate. He's not mad, it's the others who can't see or understand him, and that's not his fault. Though he'd been able to stop his tears before they came just moments earlier, they arrive now, without accompanying hitch in his breath, simply sliding down his cheeks and he doesn't seem to notice, no attempt made to wipe them away.]

Thank you.

[His voice is low and even, nearly whispered, and the gratitude palpable, if arguably misplaced in his own interpretations of rather benign statements. He continues as if that didn't happen, that slip, no regard to the fact he's still crying, focused then on Wash's assessment of bondage that had also been his.]

I see it that way too — aggressive, violent, domination that is... not to be lauded. Asking it of me, I... I want to see it differently as you have. I don't want my perceptions to hold me back when I might be able to give... some form of solace to someone else, even if I don't understand it.
gascogne: (2.08258)

[personal profile] gascogne 2024-12-27 06:43 pm (UTC)(link)
[No, it's not something D'Artagnan would recommend for himself either, playing to the aggression, someone who wanted pain or violence. He knows people who do, and he doesn't trust himself with them, doesn't wish to engage like this with them, where he does with Ororo. Not only because he loves her and it's something she wants, but because he sees her possible desires in the way Wash describes this alternative; letting go, placing herself in trusted hands, where she need not be responsible for once. D'Artagnan knows she places too much responsibility on herself, has argued he not be part of that, but she persist, as he does with those he cares for as well. It's this, he thinks, or the latter, where Ororo might simply enjoy it in a sexual manner and D'Artagnan himself is overthinking it all. Wash's question has him shifting from a comment there, to reflecting on himself.]

Well... as you've made the suggestion there, it was... to stop thinking, at one point. I was overwhelmed so much I couldn't form any coherent thoughts and it was... calming, despite the intensity.

[His teeth press into his lower lip, and he does decide to continue with more specifics.]

It was those collars Submissives were given a few months past, that... triggered orgasms by way of a... remote? It was... I'd done that with her, my girlfriend, she'd been given the remote coincidentally. I'd been uncontracted. I was reluctant at first, to try it, but it was... I liked it, and I liked not having... this tide of relentless emotions. It was peaceful, inside that constant stimulation somewhere. At other times, what I've been... what I enjoyed, is having guidance, instruction, in what to do. I suppose that's also... to stop thinking. I might do too much of that, I fear, in directing and having all the control, that I... won't know what to do when it grips me so completely, the nervous thoughts and considerations and second guessing, and panic. It's not safe if I can't trust myself not to.
gascogne: (1.08136)

[personal profile] gascogne 2024-12-27 07:28 pm (UTC)(link)
I know.

[That comes out almost defensive, a little higher pitched and petulant, and D'Artagnan squirms slightly, once again harbouring thoughts that he should abandon this and talk to Ororo instead, return when he might actually benefit from instruction in the practicality of artistic knots. When he answers the questions, the first is with absolute conviction, but the second with tentative hedging.]

I want to... I think I could see myself there, but... I don't. Currently.

[With that admission, he feels as if he's made little progress in this conversation, not as swiftly as he'd like.]

I should've just said yes and tried it then.

[Thrown himself into it and let it all fall as it may.]
gascogne: (3.04342)

[personal profile] gascogne 2024-12-27 08:36 pm (UTC)(link)
[Phrased that way, D'Artagnan does see his caution has merit, and that what he feels gets things to a point faster is not always best. Objectively, he knew that, it's why he'd come, why he'd asked, but at the point he starts to become frustrated with himself, he's reluctant to hold to that approach as necessary. He nods, taking a deep breath through his nose. He appreciates Wash's insight, as they agree or think similarly on some pieces of this, but oppositionally in others, and D'Artagnan feels it more and more prudent to consider both things, what he might see of himself and his thoughts in this man's circumstances, and what jars him as unwanted for himself.

Losing myself in someone else. D'Artagnan gives that the due consideration it deserves, instead of defining it quickly and objectively. A distraction merely, he could see at first, but in understanding someone in the Wash might be able to, the way the man stares at him now, penetratingly, alert in a way he hasn't ever seen, it's different. The way he speaks about it, what the intimacy of binding another this way gives him, allows him to have, D'Artagnan feel less secure in making assumptions on, but he tries. It's important that he does, that he might comprehend as much as he can. The word that comes to him is perhaps disrespectful, but he speaks it all the same.]


Possession. You wish to leave your mark on them in a way no one else can, because you know everything about them, and you can't forget it. You might posses them, as they possess your thoughts, all encompassing, where there's nothing else that exists for that moment. Place a memory of yourself on their bodies.

[His tone is questioning as it had been earlier, but he speaks more fluidly, more comfortably with it, with his suppositions whether they be correct or not.]

You want focus outside of yourself. I want an anchor.

[When D'Artagnan had reached the point of not thinking, it wasn't to escape himself, but bring more clarity to his own mind, still very self-referential, and contained in a way he feels oftentimes that he can't be, can't manage on his own.]
gascogne: (2.02188)

[personal profile] gascogne 2024-12-28 03:20 pm (UTC)(link)
[He makes a slight 'hm' noise at that explanation, some of it registering in a way he'd not have considered the act. Lavishing attention, which D'Artagnan very much likes to do, never occurred to him as what might be brought through ropes and taking control. That aspect would change it for him, take away from the affection and care in his mind, and he realises then he can't see it as something... positive. Wash's talk of purpose isn't so convoluted that he doesn't understand the basic thread of it, nor why the man might find purpose in such work, but none of it draws D'Artagnan in particular. He lets the silence drift for a moment as he gathers his thoughts, looking over at the bundles of rope again, and when he meets Wash's eyes, his own hold an apologetic gaze.]

You're right, I need to talk to her. I was... looking for a purpose in this myself, something to make me want to do it. But I don't, I still don't.
gascogne: (1.02047)

[personal profile] gascogne 2024-12-28 04:45 pm (UTC)(link)
I agree.

[It should've been an obvious conclusion, but D'Artagnan doesn't often find those, taking a more convoluted path that to him had seemed the easiest until he'd found himself in the midst of it and without direction. It's not uncommon. Something about this, his admission, feels like defeat all the same. He pushes himself up off the couch, and doesn't regard the ropes again, ignoring the table.]

I've not found this unhelpful, you understand. I do appreciate your insight and allowing me to see what it's brought you personally. There are complications and individual aspects I'd not fully considered or comprehended thoroughly. I'm uncertain how this will... end, for me, but trust I will endeavour to speak with you again should I proceed and wish for... more practical instruction.
gascogne: (2.07246)

[personal profile] gascogne 2024-12-28 06:14 pm (UTC)(link)
[He's not expecting anything further, and hearkening back to that has him looking at Wash directly again, not capable of the same penetrating gaze, nor would he issue it, but clearly paying attention to the words and giving them weight. His eyebrows knit together slightly, as to D'Artagnan, that was the most obvious conclusion, a hell and far from a party trick. He nods in acknowledgement of that statement. The offer to speak to him is taken an intended, about other things, things that he'd not meant to touch on perhaps, or hadn't meant to have connections with. In that, he can't see this meeting wasn't unhelpful even apart from the crux of it, in a way Wash might have gathered, D'Artagnan suspects, because he'd never been a man who could hide his feelings easily, and never had he felt something without some level of intensity to it.]

Of course. Know I offer that to you as well.

[The man doesn't seem he needs it, but if most people dismiss the harsher realities of his ability or what he's revealed of his past, it can't hurt to state he'd be similarly willing to listen.]