[ this is a unique cocktail of emotions that wash has not quite experienced before, where the self-loathing and twisting guilt of giving into anger and pent-up aggression is melding into just plain embarrassment.
( relief. relief is what she's got. maybe she should be angry, but she can't really manage it — it's been a long time since she's been stood up, but she's not so insecure that she needs the reassurance. david has never let her down, not when he's being serious. they'd planned for this.
except ... )
i'm gonna need more than that
otherwise i'm showing up at the jail right now and i'm getting you out of there
[ they had planned for this, and wash hadn't forgotten, ]
I just lost it. Couldn't hold it together.
I ended up around the city center. There was a storm, caused a fire that kept the guards busy, so I went straight inside and took out who I could before someone got to me.
[ those voices. even when it started getting worse, he had little reason to assume it was anything other than his own voices, in his own head. he'd definitely withdrawn and kept to himself more than usual the worse it got, might've been difficult for natasha to see in person, but that's not too different for him. ]
I should've known better, either way. I deal with that kind of shit all the time. I'll make it up to you.
( it's not fair to be angry at him for the things he can't control — voices, the way this place meddles with their lives on what feels like a regular basis, how it pushes them to be the worst versions of themselves. and yet — )
you didn't want to talk to me about it?
( in between the lines, implied: you killed people instead?
(though, she's not so unfair as to think that they didn't deserve it) )
[ fundamentally he still feels like he's facing everything in his head alone. he's never asked to talk about it. doesn't even know how it'd help. but natasha, clearly berating him -- puts that in a certain perspective. of course she'd want to help.
but it's -- hard. he always retreats away from people, when things get worse, when he feels the edges start to fray and the walls press even closer. he's afraid of lashing out, of hurting them. he's afraid of what overlapping memories might do if he looks at someone and sees someone else, where they should be. and with natasha, that's --
he takes a little longer to respond. ]
I never like talking about it.
[ it isn't personal. nothing to do with her. he's just handling it how he always has.
( she'd like to think she'd try — but hadn't she had opportunities like that before coming here and not taken them? deflected with a quip if possible, ignored or walked away or pretended not to understand.
would she try with him? maybe. probably. )
i didn't put too much pressure on you did i?
( to go on this date. to be a date, something other than just her 'dominant'. )
[ he doesn't think so. there's a lot he's uncomfortable with and uncertain about, but the idea of a date had been nice. but maybe -- maybe. there's reasons why he tends to close himself off, to keep away. ororo being in an adjacent cell is proof enough that the city had something to do with it, but. there's a lot, in his head. he doesn't want to lie to her. ]
( there's a part of it that stings — even though she knows better. don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to, natasha. maybe this is karma, payment for what she'd kept insisting over and over again (to bucky, to ash, to steve, to tony — it's complicated).
she's not arrogant enough to think he'd killed because of her. but if she'd been a factor — )
i was, too
when do you think they'll let you out?
me very belatedly realizing i didnt actually send this despite typing it
[ its always complicated. being honest about it feels like the best he can do, but right now, staring at the ceiling of his cell -- he thinks he probably owes her a conversation.
maybe. ]
A week, apparently.
[ he's not gonna question them directly, but the fact that a week in jail is sufficient for literally killing people is only going to weigh on him more. ]
[ maybe he'll break out! but he won't. it'll make things worse, draw a bigger target. the best thing he can do now is just -- lay low. wait out the week. sort through the mess in his head. ]
( no reason to continue to linger awkwardly in the alley behind the restaurant, anyway. he might be in jail but she's still wearing his collar (and will have to do so in public, no matter how much natasha wants to rip it off and throw it at a wall right now) — the guards won't bother her while she has that.
it feels cold to just sign off that way, so after a few minutes: )
anyone else you might be standing up that i should reach out to?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
he doesn't like it. ]
I'm safe. Really.
I just fucked up. The guards got to me.
[ so he's in custody. safe enough. ]
no subject
except ... )
i'm gonna need more than that
otherwise i'm showing up at the jail right now and i'm getting you out of there
no subject
I just lost it. Couldn't hold it together.
I ended up around the city center. There was a storm, caused a fire that kept the guards busy, so I went straight inside and took out who I could before someone got to me.
[ direct. honest. he owes her that much. ]
no subject
why?
no subject
I guess it was the city's doing.
[ those voices. even when it started getting worse, he had little reason to assume it was anything other than his own voices, in his own head. he'd definitely withdrawn and kept to himself more than usual the worse it got, might've been difficult for natasha to see in person, but that's not too different for him. ]
I should've known better, either way. I deal with that kind of shit all the time. I'll make it up to you.
no subject
you didn't want to talk to me about it?
( in between the lines, implied: you killed people instead?
(though, she's not so unfair as to think that they didn't deserve it) )
no subject
but it's -- hard. he always retreats away from people, when things get worse, when he feels the edges start to fray and the walls press even closer. he's afraid of lashing out, of hurting them. he's afraid of what overlapping memories might do if he looks at someone and sees someone else, where they should be. and with natasha, that's --
he takes a little longer to respond. ]
I never like talking about it.
[ it isn't personal. nothing to do with her. he's just handling it how he always has.
( it might have a little to do with her. ) ]
no subject
( she'd like to think she'd try — but hadn't she had opportunities like that before coming here and not taken them? deflected with a quip if possible, ignored or walked away or pretended not to understand.
would she try with him? maybe. probably. )
i didn't
put too much pressure on you
did i?
( to go on this date. to be a date, something other than just her 'dominant'. )
no subject
[ he doesn't think so. there's a lot he's uncomfortable with and uncertain about, but the idea of a date had been nice. but maybe -- maybe. there's reasons why he tends to close himself off, to keep away. ororo being in an adjacent cell is proof enough that the city had something to do with it, but. there's a lot, in his head. he doesn't want to lie to her. ]
It's complicated. I don't know.
But I was looking forward to it.
no subject
she's not arrogant enough to think he'd killed because of her. but if she'd been a factor — )
i was, too
when do you think they'll let you out?
me very belatedly realizing i didnt actually send this despite typing it
maybe. ]
A week, apparently.
[ he's not gonna question them directly, but the fact that a week in jail is sufficient for literally killing people is only going to weigh on him more. ]
no subject
( 'pick up', break out, same difference.
maybe the time apart will be good for them. )
no subject
[ maybe he'll break out! but he won't. it'll make things worse, draw a bigger target. the best thing he can do now is just -- lay low. wait out the week. sort through the mess in his head. ]
no subject
( no reason to continue to linger awkwardly in the alley behind the restaurant, anyway. he might be in jail but she's still wearing his collar (and will have to do so in public, no matter how much natasha wants to rip it off and throw it at a wall right now) — the guards won't bother her while she has that.
it feels cold to just sign off that way, so after a few minutes: )
anyone else you might be standing up that i should reach out to?
( ok, that maybe wasn't any better. )
no subject
Just you, Nat.
[ well -- not quite, in that this slip in behaviour is letting a lot of people down. but especially her. ]
I'm sorry. We can talk once I'm out.
no subject
if you think i’m angry now
it’ll be worse if you don’t call me if you need something while you’re locked up
so keep me on speed dial, david