[ and genuinely, he does respect privacy; he won't pry. but probably already knows. ]
Always good to have a student who's aware of his own faults.
I don't need to know who she is, but since you've said your main goal is to please your girlfriend, I do need an idea of what she wants and what it is you're hoping to learn. If you don't know enough to have a clear goal in mind, that's fine too, we can just go with something general and see where it takes you. But I'm going to assume that you wouldn't be asking my help if you thought she'd be happy with some fuzzy handcuffs.
[He might've had something to say on 'faults', but chooses not to, as at least the man has conceded to some measure of privacy.]
I do struggle with this, internally, but not with ineptitude. My experience with binding has come solely as practical restraint, apprehension of criminals and so forth, and personal experiences of the same ilk.
Regarding her wants... I'd been pointed specifically to this imagery.
[Attached there is a flier, a collage made from magazine cutouts, markers, and pasty glue sticks, of which the residue lingers around some of the images, and it's clearly just taken with his device camera, his own finger indicating the woman in the bottom left corner.]
She'd described the ropes as beautiful, I do agree there's an artistry to them, and that it would be difficult for her to 'pick her way out of' and ensure she be patient. Which I had reprimanded her for once, only my implication had not been I wished to bind her or control her in that way, only I may've used the word restraint, though I had meant it as strength of will.
You're a quick study when you feel like it and you've seemed good with your hands. I can probably run you through much of the basics of achieving that specific kind of harness without too much time. But actually making use of them, that's practice. Patience. Discipline and focus.
And having the presence of mind of why you're doing what you're doing.
[ just from that brief description, wash isn't entirely convinced that d'artagnan even really wants to do this. something he's aware of, clearly, since he'd referenced an internal struggle. wanting to do it solely to make someone else happy would only go so far. ]
Did you just want me to help you with how things are done, or did you also want to talk to me about why?
[D'Artagnan grumbles to himself in reading that assessment. When he feels like it, indeed. It can't be argued, and he's quite aware of his fickle approach to things where he might protest and show plain disinterest if he finds something useless to him, but is driven near single-mindedly when he's the determination to accomplish something.]
I might study a manual if I'd wished to be removed from the emotions and reasoning involved. I suppose then, yes, I'm asking for help to... comprehend the intricacies of it, that aren't the tying of a series of knots, in a way that allows me to... push beyond my self-imposed limitations due to...
[Hnn. How might he phrase it in less of a humiliating way? Well, no bother, he's come this far.]
Trauma. My concerns with this are rooted in an incident several months ago, in that experiment facility. I was a Dominant then, you'll recall, and I'd been required to bind someone, and I did it of my own volition out of consideration we both could be subjected to harsher conditions if I'd not, but I made that decision to restrain him and force him to service me. I'd not been drugged, as many were, or otherwise coerced into where the decision in the end with him, and others I also took advantage of for what I felt was their own good, was not out of my control.
It affects me greatly even now, and I've not recovered. I fear if I try this without... that dedication to discipline and focus you speak of, and a thorough understanding of my misgivings and apprehension, my timidity, I will fail.
[ d'artagnan being willing to share with him quickly and immediately and just over text is -- an amount of trust he appreciates. it might just be pragmatic, given that if he wants wash to help him with it then he would've always needed to know at some point, but wash still sees it as a level of trust.
wash starts to type a thank you for telling me that but then -- opts not to. perhaps not the way to go, with d'artagnan. ]
Experimenting with power dynamics, pushing at those boundaries, that's all well and good and healthy and something I'd encourage anyone to try. But it's very different when anyone involved is coerced. I'm comfortable with that kind of thing and had been for years before arriving here, but I still find myself hesitating and holding back, sometimes, with my contract partners. Just because of the nature of where we are. Let alone back in that facility.
[ wash did not have a great time there, either. ]
As far as an understanding of your apprehension goes, it sounds like you've already got a good start. Self-awareness is difficult for many. I hope you've talked to your girlfriend about it.
My reasons for why I enjoy it won't be yours, but I'm happy to share them and work with you. We'll see if you can find some reasons of your own, while learning the ropes.
[He'd not expected any commiseration on his disclosure, but it helps in a small way to know Wash has experienced hesitancy with being in a position of power and control, no matter the degree of it.]
I'd not a concept at all of the dynamics the city considers pillars of society before this place, and I think that a detriment to perceiving it, the idea of it, as 'healthy'. I have spoken with someone about that, to understand the way it should function, and how it's twisted here. I've not made much progress there, I'll admit, but I think the desire for that understanding informs the serious nature of my enquiries.
She knows, both that I have reservations, and why.
I'd appreciate anything you might share with me in this endeavour, and you've my sincere gratitude for your consideration.
[ working with it and pushing past it is admirable, but not exactly something necessary. if everyone involved is aware, then that's fine. as for what he can share . . . well. he thinks d'artagnan might benefit from hearing more about his own doubts, his own hesitancies. ]
I've got problems with control. [ not exactly a secret, to anyone who knows him even slightly beyond the surface level, still a bit personal to just admit, but d'artagnan has noble goals and has been willing to be vulnerable in service of that. so wash will answer it in kind, though he'll stop short of sharing the details of where it comes from. ] I like having it, and I don't like giving it up. That was before coming here.
So showing up here, being assigned a Dominant, you'd think I'd enjoy it, or take to it naturally. But that just makes it worse. What the city does isn't right, and I don't like that there are parts of me that can feel inclined to take advantage of it. Even when we're just drugged up on whatever they've decided to feed us, even when I know that I'm not actually fully aware of the choices I'm making in those altered states of mind. I know myself, and I know what I'm capable of. So I make it a point to be careful.
I won't pretend to have it figured out. I spent a lot of time outright avoiding pushing things with my contract partners even when I knew that might be what they wanted. But that would hurt them in different ways, too. Something I'm still working on.
[ the great thing about knowing ororo and d'artagnan are an item and being able to gently tease him for his obvious discomfort around calling her his girlfriend is that he can't quite be called out for his blatant hypocrisy! but he's still -- navigating this, with natasha. they've made progress. ]
With contracts, its hard not to feel the weight of the city's hand on their backs. Outside of that, though, it's generally more straightforward. If what I want is what they want, if everyone involved is aware of the potential risks and willing to engage regardless or because of them, that's enough for me.
You've noticed I've not talked about shibari or restraints. I can go into my reasons for that specifically, if you'd like, but I don't know if they'd resonate with you. I could also always, of course, show you.
[She knows, and she'd been very supportive of his decline to participate, that gesture itself planting a seed of determination to overcome his issues with this, both because D'Artagnan does genuinely want to conquer his irrational fear, and because he'd felt inadequate, the ensuing need to confront such a challenge only growing since its inception. Ororo wasn't disappointed in him, not in a way that's judgmental, but he'd taken his own decision to step away from it as a failure, admitting a weakness he can no longer abide. Wash's words are read carefully, and understood, as he knows that concern with having certain parts of himself, buried desires and instincts, or potentially dangerous traits exaggerated, and needing to use as much caution as possible to lessen the impacts. D'Artagnan presently has less self-control than he'd used to, emotionally fragile and distraught, and he's quite aware that makes him more volatile and susceptible.]
It's more difficult to fight against one's own nature than something external. I don't particularly desire control, I don't think, but I am violent and bloodthirsty and savage, and not all of those traits are so far buried they're unreachable. I've had control, in a way, and I've thought at times, perhaps uncharitably, that my position at home would've been that of a SIN guard here, at the very least one of their 'police' officers.
[It's not a concept that had existed in his time, not with a name or a distinction thusly, but he encompassed it and he recognises the similarities.]
I know myself capable of terrible things, and that I don't always possess the restraint I should, nor had I cared to, for a long time. I've not engaged sexually with any of my contract partners as a Dominant, and I'd not that desire to further muddle things, but I understand its complication. For the risks, I've not had many discussions that weren't in part unplanned and in the moment, and in those instances, I was not... the one in command of it.
You needn't go beyond broad themes if you've no desire to. I would like perhaps to be shown.
[Shown what? He's not quite sure, or what that would entail, but he knows himself and how he best learns, thrown into it directly.]
I find I am better instructed through demonstration and participation.
You're a soldier. Maybe not conscripted military, but some kind of soldier. [ wash doesn't actually know. ] There's a version of me who would've been one of the guards here, too.
[ though wash did defect twice and try to blow everything up multiple times! but, it is still part of him -- he defected twice, but it means he went back to them once, too. ]
I don't need to know the details of anything you may have done, but I'm sure some of what we struggle with has similar shades. I've been years removed from my war, and I still miss it. I know what kinds of things I've done and what kinds of things I'd still do. And for me, if anything, that's part of the control problem. It's less about controlling other people, and more about making sure I'm always in control of me, at any and all times.
[ he's simplifying, skating by details he'd really rather not discuss, but there is clear and definite truth to it. phrased that way, self-control doesn't seem like something that one would describe as a "problem", but well. wash has to go very far with it. ]
Rope's actually part of that, for me. For some, having control over someone else is most of the appeal, and there's nothing wrong with that -- it's not like I don't enjoy it. But if you were to boil it down, for me it's someone being willing to trust me, to give themselves over to me wholly, and then I get to take that trust and exercise control over them, and over myself.
You can watch me work. It you're willing to let me tie you, it doesn't have to be actually restraining or sexual in any way, I can just work with an arm, show and talk you through what I mean and teach you some of the ropework. You can invite someone with you if that'd make you more comfortable, to be tied instead or to just be present. The arcade I own has some private rooms for gaming purposes that might be a bit smaller but would be fine just for some light work, I can find a space in the city for hire, or you you could come over to mine.
[ not playful or fliratious, here, just simple, direct, professional. it is by nature somewhat intimate, so he can't exactly promise a lack of that, but there doesn't really have to be a sexual component to it unless d'artagnan actually wants it. ]
[Unexpectedly, it's that admission of alignment with SIN guards that puts D'Artagnan more at ease, that it wasn't a denial of his own claim, of his perceptions. I still miss it. God, he does too.]
Maintaining control of myself is what I've apprehension with. It's difficult for me, and I'd managed only after years of working at it, and managed not to a terribly notable degree. I've slipped here, my trust in myself is precarious. I'd not wish the responsibility of someone giving themselves to me wholly, as you've said. I do understand in doing so, I might conversely practice control over myself, necessarily.
[The connection there does make sense to him, even if thinking about it, of trying it, comes with very unsettling feelings. They're overshadowed by a general disgruntlement upon addressing Wash's last statements, which have struck a chord as being too cosseting, too many allowances for his discomfort and that sparks D'Artagnan's need to challenge himself without second thought.]
I'll not have someone else witness this. I'll thank you not to think me so weak I need a substitute. I've been restrained numerous times and I've no issue with you doing so.
[All but one of those times were involuntarily, and none were sexual in nature or as restrictive as the artful ropework appears to be. The distinction between his past circumstances and his mindset with each one doesn't get considered, however. He's made his snap decision and he'll not retract it.]
[ wash has learned to nod and smile at anyone who tells him he's not that person anymore, or that he's changed, or that none of it was his fault -- it's a simple kindness, to let anyone who's concerned about him have that peace of mind. but he does it for them, not for himself, because he knows. he knows how much he misses it. he knows no matter how far removed he is from it, how easy it would be to drop back into it at a moment's notice, and how much he wants to. but people who've never lived like that have a hard time understanding it, and it's just easier to let them believe they've said the right thing. wash would never say that to anyone else, though.
prickly. wash is a little amused, and he doesn't entirely mind -- he likes some pushback, working with differing personalities is just part of the whole thing -- but this is a bit different, just because d'artagnan is specifically asking to learn about what it'd be like from the position of someone who's in control. this is something to take seriously. and so; ]
And I'll thank you to not think of anyone expressing discomfort or lack thereof as weak. I have a responsibility; performing my role involves making sure everyone involved understands what happens, what's at stake, where they can draw lines and what their options are. I will not hold off on asking you those questions to avoid offending your delicate ego.
[ i.e, not asking knowing that d'artagnan might be prickly about it would have been coddling. he works with different people, and has a fondness for working with the stubborn and ornery, but this is about respecting the bottoms he works with, not to mention that element of self-control. these are standards to hold himself to, and he will not compromise them. ]
Drop by when you're able. Tonight's fine, but my schedule's flexible.
[He wants to be indignant about that reprimand, but he can't assert his irrational feelings on it as truth. The way Wash had phrased it, as anyone expressing discomfort, negates D'Artagnan's argument, for he only lets that apply to himself, and conversely he'll try to assuage someone else's discomfort and not think less of them, but for him, personally, it is a fault. Previous discussions where he'd been asked such questions, needed to reflect on how he reacts to something, how he feels about certain things, it had been disastrous. Part of him wants to quit already, to turn back and forget he'd ever asked this man for help, but those are the thoughts of someone weak and fragile, and he shoves them down into the depths.]
I'll be there tonight.
[D'Artagnan needs to take the opportunity as quickly as it's given, plowing ahead immediately always the best course of action. He does arrive as agreed upon, with little preparation made but to bring a notebook, a small thing tucked away in his jacket pocket. Since he'd last seen Wash, he's taken to wearing modern clothes more frequently and somewhat embracing the ostensible time period the city appears to exist in. Black jeans and shorter boots, a dark navy buttondown, and an olive canvas jacket with a hood he leaves down. He's cut his hair much shorter, and it looks as though he may have shaved yesterday instead of last week. Entering the arcade, D'Artagnan doesn't bother with an assessment of the room, he's here for a purpose, and he only looks for the man he'd come to see, pulling off his gloves and heading for somewhere in the back, the layout not completely unfamiliar, but he'd not been in here for over a year.]
[ the arcade is still a whirl of neon and noise and after all this time while wash still looks out of place in it, he's clearly comfortable in it. wash closing up the bar when d'artagnan arrives, and he waves him over, himself looking much the same as always, dressed in a plain shirt and jeans. at the end of the workday his hair's definitely in slight disarray, carrying a quiet tiredness in his eyes even with the sharpness and focus in his gaze as he gives d'artagnan a quick once-over. ]
Cleaned up some since I last saw you, huh? [ ororo's influence, maybe. ] Suits you.
Come with me -- We can use one of the rooms upstairs.
[ the room he leads d'artagnan to is one of the larger ones. there's a couch, some chairs, a table that was clearly central to the room for gaming, but wash had come in earlier to push it aside to give them more space. still not exactly nice and open, but not too cramped, either. there's a small carrying case on the table, flipped open, with a few lengths of rope inside all neatly kept in butterfly coils in different bold colors and slightly different textures. ]
[D'Artagnan may not have the same skill for reading people, and he's often incorrect with his assumptions as frequent mistakes from trusting the wrong people would attest to. He notes solely to himself the muted tired aspect under the man's weighty stare. D'Artagnan lifts a judgmental eyebrow, upper lip twisting just slightly in offense, but his tone is flat and only bears the smallest hint of peevish irritation.]
I was perfectly clean before.
[As the words leave his mouth, he hears the childish retort in them and presses his lips together, refusing to allow himself another remark in that vein, stupid and pointless in his sudden anxious apprehension for this. He follows Wash in silence, taking measure of the room, the space small but serviceable, he presumes, and he feels it a better environment for himself personally, than one might find in a room expressly for the purpose of their lessons. D'Artagnan has been in the Stark Naked playrooms, and he need not think of that incident whilst attempting to absorb all the information he can here. This is an instruction, and he will view it as such, no matter what comes about. Laid out before them, he need examine the carrying case and its contents, fingers sliding over the ropes, determinedly at first, and then more hesitantly, until he retracts his hand and looks away, focused on Wash instead.]
[ so very, very prickly. and over a compliment. wash doesn't mind, for now, acknowledging the remark with nothing more than a slight raise of his eyebrow. d'artagnan approached him with an honesty and vulnerability that tells him that he's serious about learning, and wash will quietly assume that any resistance along the way is less about wanting to be difficult and more about, well. internal struggles. wash won't even necessarily push back too heavily, up until he balks at anything actually important. as always, he takes his responsibilities very, very seriously. ]
Depends on you. [ he gestures slightly with a tip of his head towards the case -- encouraging him to continue examining the ropes, if he likes. that's basically why wash had left them out, after all. ] When it comes to just the ropework alone, I said I could walk you through a lot of the actual basics pretty quickly. If that's all you want to do right now, a lot of people learn by tying themselves first. I can work on my own arm, you can do yours, and I can talk you through it. It's a good enough start.
But you asked for help for understanding the intricacies of it. [ more than just a series of knots, right? the series of knots are important technical skills to learn, and wash has little doubt d'artagnan could wrap his mind around them with some practice, but everything else, well. ] Why I do it, what I'm thinking, what it means for me or whoever I'm working with. For that, either we can just talk -- or you can let me tie you while we talk.
[His abdomen tightens with the acceptance that it is for him, that Wash is doing this upon his request, and D'Artagnan need be capable of explaining himself and what he seeks, what bothers him, what he stalls at and questions and has the most difficulty with. Wash indicates the ropes again, but D'Artagnan doesn't return to them, eying them and biting his bottom lip. He lets out a wavering breath, and endeavours to be careful with his tone and his words, for he doesn't wish them to be perceived flippantly or with misplaced frustration.]
I can tie knots, and I could study the patterns and discern them without assistance. I wouldn't... I'd not have asked for help if it was... the design or the function of this that I wished to learn in itself. I've... not only aversion to binding someone because of what I'd mentioned, but I've... little interest in it personally. Sexually. I don't... understand what... I do, let me correct myself, I do understand that there is freedom for some in having physical restriction, the idea of it isn't incomprehensible. Only for me, I've never felt it. I shouldn't have, of course, because I've not done this like this.
[He gestures without meaning, a vague wave of his hand, as he feels he's gotten too convoluted without stating things plainly.]
I want to know what I might do for her. What I can help her achieve in this. What comes for me, if anything, is secondary and I care far less about it, if I'm satisfied in the same way. I don't need to be. I think... if I'd a notion of what is desired from me, and assured that I can't... that it's not without question a place of such authority I could accidentally abuse, I would... be more receptive.
[ wash listens. he recognizes the care that d'artagnan is taking with his words, measured, careful, trying to make sure he expresses himself clearly, and wash is patient and attentive, that unwavering focus and attention narrowed in entirely on him. only when d'artagnan is finished speaking does he nod, moving to take a seat on the couch -- gesturing for d'artagnan to sit, too, disregarding the ropes for now. ]
And you've talked to her about it, yeah? Because if your main concern is what it might do for her, what she gets out of it, what you can help her achieve in it -- she's probably a better person to talk to than me. [ he tips his head slightly. ] But you're here.
So, if you don't mind me asking -- what did she tell you? And what about her answers wasn't enough?
[ he thinks he understands at least some of what d'artagnan's after, maybe not in its entirety. but given that the man is clearly trying earnestly, wash is resolved to do his best to listen and work with him, and hopefully they'll reach what he needs. ]
[Quick to abandon the ropes, with gratitude he refuses to show in his eyes or mannerisms, he takes a seat on the couch, posture somewhat tense and leaning forward, elbows on his knees. Wash's question gets an immediate soft and hardly audible distressed noise from D'Artagnan, and he shrugs one shoulder slightly.]
Well... No.
[Looking over at Wash then, it's with somewhat of a sheepish expression he tries to manage better in his embarrassment of having this obviously better idea thrust upon him too late.]
It was two months ago when I'd declined her request and we'd not... At the time, it was not a question, not something I'd wished to pursue, and now that it is, that I've thought about it and considered things, I'd... I didn't bring it up with her. I just...
Well. [ another raise of an eyebrow, not going to hide his clear amusement, but -- his expression quietens again after a moment. he won't give you too much shit. ] While I do still think I can help, I'm going to suggest that you talk to her about it.
[ and while he won't say so out loud, wash is perfectly happy with meddling a little on this front. because he's gonna be nice here and not breathe a word about this to ororo, but if you take too long to bring it up to her. he will absolutely tell her. don't be dumb. but hey, maybe talking or trying some things out here will help him figure out how to talk to her later, and that's fine too. ]
I'm not her, so I can't really tell you about what she specifically might want out of it or what she wants to achieve from it. I can just tell you about me.
[Inhaling deeply through his nose, he nods without protest on that suggestion. It is something that should be discussed with Ororo, but what he's wished to know had only struck him now when asked directly about it, and in hindsight, D'Artagnan doesn't feel his accidental obfuscation of his keeping that from her is without justification, for she might, like he'd said of Eloise, be more placating and accepting of his reluctance, and they'd not make progress at all. It may be an issue in itself, that he still believes her to think him fragile, emotionally delicate, and in need of protection. No, this was the right choice.]
We can start there.
[Even if he finds this unhelpful in the end, Wash's perspective and the personal feelings he may wish to disclose, the experience is not without its merit.]
[ wash understands, ultimately. maybe he's making a few assumptions, and he ultimately doesn't know d'artagnan too well, but. how long has he been contracted with natasha, how long has he avoided pushing anything with her despite both of them being aware that that's something they'd both enjoy -- and how long did they just not talk about it? far too long, and wash is only recently getting better at it. but he's comfortable being a blatant hypocrite about it. talking to ororo's the right thing to do.
but where does he start? wash is painfully self-aware by necessity, and knows what he gets out of this, but it's always a bit difficult just explain in plain words. it's why he's suggested showing d'artagnan and offered to tie him even if just slightly, but it's clear that d'artagnan has little interest in that aside from pushing back against him out of some perceived slight to his ego, and that's not something wash wants to play into. if d'artagnan brings it up himself, then sure, but otherwise. he's quiet for a moment, fingers drumming lightly against his leg, in thought.
he looks back at d'artagnan, his gaze too-focused, as always. ]
Did you know I can't forget?
[ punctuated, only half-intentionally, by the weight of his gaze. he promises its related. ]
[In that small window of silence, in the other man's contemplation, D'Artagnan thinks this might go as it had with Amelia, where his own indecision on how to approach such matters lends itself only to abstract discussion that further confuses him. He's failed with this every time, his quest to educate himself on the purpose of the concept of dominance and submission that isn't tainted by the city, broadly, and so how can he expect any clarity in one particular circumstance he wishes to focus on? It's muddied in his thoughts already, and when Wash speaks again, D'Artagnan isn't sure he'd rather have simply been dismissed.]
... Forget what?
[He furrows his eyebrows in genuine confusion, not taking the question as an absolute, but as having missing context.]
[ an easily misunderstood statement, given that it's a bit out of nowhere and the grammar just kind of sounds off without context. he shakes his head, with a small, amused sound. ]
That was the end of the sentence. I can't forget. Anything.
Perfect memory. I wasn't born with it -- it's, ah. An unfortunate consequence of my time as a soldier. [ a half-shrug, leaning back slightly on the couch -- but his eyes, fixed on d'artagnan. too sharp, foo coused, as always. ] Everything I see, touch, hear, even for a moment, I have it perfectly memorized for as long as I'll live.
[ he'll let that rest a bit to let d'artagnan consider the implications of it. they're both soldiers, and while wash hasn't talked about his experience, war is war, no matter what world its in. the things wash has done, they aren't far-off memories. they always feel fresh. like some of the worst things he's done only happened minutes ago. ]
It's part of my control problem.
[ not nearly all of it, but. enough to give d'artagnan an idea.
given d'artagnan's questions and confusion, wash is of the belief that discussions about the concept of power dynamics and control aren't needed, because d'artagnan already knows them -- and of fucking course he does, when he's been living in this city for as long as he has. he just struggles to see what he himself might want in it, if anything, to see how he might fit in it. the solution wash is arriving at, partially in response to d'artagnan's earlier honesty, is to instead be extremely specific to his own experience. where it comes from, how he'd gotten there, what he gets out of it, where his uncertainties lie.
but he's here to give d'artagnan that understanding, not to make him play therapist. so while he gives him time to wrap his head around the idea, he's not going to let it rest for too long before at least making sure they'll stay on that point. ]
It's a lot of why I ended up getting into this, even before I arrived here.
[An unfortunate consequence... D'Artagnan has no direct comparison to something in his own experience as a soldier, but had they technology like that here, like what had been planted subconsciously within him as a result of his last citation, he thinks he might vaguely understand what a violation that must've been. The memory itself, Wash's capabilities he's revealing, some may think it a boon, but D'Artagnan immediately rejects that. It would be nothing short of continual torture, having nothing of the grace allotted by time in the fading of memories, complete and sharp, everything he's seen, everything he's done. D'Artagnan ducks his head for a moment, for he cannot let this man see him start crying over this, but he feels like it, the empathy nearly drowning him and making his chest tight. It's only a moment he need gather himself, ashamed in that reaction, for none of it happened to him, but... Focusing again on the point of it, why the man had spoken of it in this context, he makes an acknowledging noise, the only sign of his continued upset his fingers twisting together in now clasped hands.]
It gave you something to focus on in your attempt at distraction from your thoughts?... But something more... that you might take control of your mind, deliberately, prove to yourself... you're not part of that collective any longer, not what they made you, but your own person.
[It still sounds like a question, all of it, his assessment lacking confidence and insight, no conviction in what he's trying to understand.]
[ it is a boon in some ways that wash readily takes advantage of, but -- especially with how it came to be, with the life he's lived. calling it literal torture wouldn't be an exaggeration. and yet he'd never give it up, in all his experience of all the fantastical things available here has never sought a way to get rid of it. part of his tendency to self-destruct, probably, but its also just part of him. who he is. he's had to reconstruct who he is piece by piece out of a countless memories that aren't even his, and he wouldn't know how to define himself any other way.
but that's lost on most people. the constant vigilance, the need for him to keep memories at bay, to make sure he holds onto who he is and where he is and what he's doing at any at all times. though people tend to understand at least some of difficulties of it if they think about it for a while, to most that wash has shared that with, its just been something interesting he can do. so while he can't quite see how upset d'artagnan is, while wash can't see into his head -- the fact that his immediate reaction was to turn away, his hands wringing. that's different.
he appreciates it, though. but he won't call him out on it, or linger on it -- but there is a definite pause of slight surprise in answer to d'artagnan's assessment. because it's closer than most people get, even after having known him for longer, painfully close for someone who doesn't know any of what wash's been through. not part of that collective any longer -- not what they made you -- memories of white walls and steel pressed against his spine flicker briefly through his thoughts, right in front of his eyes, clear as day, but. he's very well-practiced, by now, after all these years, in not letting himself slip into it.
he nods. ]
Yeah. Definitely. [ his voice is light, calm. whatever d'artagnan's thinking of, he can see the way his hands are working, and -- he's okay. really. all things considered. he'll try to bring him back. ] Also just means I like learning new things. I'm not a genius, memory isn't the same as processing the information I get, but I still learn very quickly compared to most, depending on the skill.
Before the bonus memory kicked in, I'd restrained partners before, but just simple things. I knew my way around rope, but just using cuffs or something was fine. I still liked being in control. But after. [ he didn't just like it anymore. he needed it. ] After, I started getting into rope just as something to learn. Things to fill my head, and something to do with my hands.
[ something that wasn't just -- killing. ]
And to be honest with you, that was where I thought it'd stop. I didn't really think I'd genuinely do it with people, because I couldn't trust myself to. But I started doing it anyway.
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[ and genuinely, he does respect privacy; he won't pry. but probably already knows. ]
Always good to have a student who's aware of his own faults.
I don't need to know who she is, but since you've said your main goal is to please your girlfriend, I do need an idea of what she wants and what it is you're hoping to learn. If you don't know enough to have a clear goal in mind, that's fine too, we can just go with something general and see where it takes you. But I'm going to assume that you wouldn't be asking my help if you thought she'd be happy with some fuzzy handcuffs.
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I do struggle with this, internally, but not with ineptitude. My experience with binding has come solely as practical restraint, apprehension of criminals and so forth, and personal experiences of the same ilk.
Regarding her wants... I'd been pointed specifically to this imagery.
[Attached there is a flier, a collage made from magazine cutouts, markers, and pasty glue sticks, of which the residue lingers around some of the images, and it's clearly just taken with his device camera, his own finger indicating the woman in the bottom left corner.]
She'd described the ropes as beautiful, I do agree there's an artistry to them, and that it would be difficult for her to 'pick her way out of' and ensure she be patient. Which I had reprimanded her for once, only my implication had not been I wished to bind her or control her in that way, only I may've used the word restraint, though I had meant it as strength of will.
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And having the presence of mind of why you're doing what you're doing.
[ just from that brief description, wash isn't entirely convinced that d'artagnan even really wants to do this. something he's aware of, clearly, since he'd referenced an internal struggle. wanting to do it solely to make someone else happy would only go so far. ]
Did you just want me to help you with how things are done, or did you also want to talk to me about why?
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I might study a manual if I'd wished to be removed from the emotions and reasoning involved. I suppose then, yes, I'm asking for help to... comprehend the intricacies of it, that aren't the tying of a series of knots, in a way that allows me to... push beyond my self-imposed limitations due to...
[Hnn. How might he phrase it in less of a humiliating way? Well, no bother, he's come this far.]
Trauma. My concerns with this are rooted in an incident several months ago, in that experiment facility. I was a Dominant then, you'll recall, and I'd been required to bind someone, and I did it of my own volition out of consideration we both could be subjected to harsher conditions if I'd not, but I made that decision to restrain him and force him to service me. I'd not been drugged, as many were, or otherwise coerced into where the decision in the end with him, and others I also took advantage of for what I felt was their own good, was not out of my control.
It affects me greatly even now, and I've not recovered. I fear if I try this without... that dedication to discipline and focus you speak of, and a thorough understanding of my misgivings and apprehension, my timidity, I will fail.
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wash starts to type a thank you for telling me that but then -- opts not to. perhaps not the way to go, with d'artagnan. ]
Experimenting with power dynamics, pushing at those boundaries, that's all well and good and healthy and something I'd encourage anyone to try. But it's very different when anyone involved is coerced. I'm comfortable with that kind of thing and had been for years before arriving here, but I still find myself hesitating and holding back, sometimes, with my contract partners. Just because of the nature of where we are. Let alone back in that facility.
[ wash did not have a great time there, either. ]
As far as an understanding of your apprehension goes, it sounds like you've already got a good start. Self-awareness is difficult for many. I hope you've talked to your girlfriend about it.
My reasons for why I enjoy it won't be yours, but I'm happy to share them and work with you. We'll see if you can find some reasons of your own, while learning the ropes.
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I'd not a concept at all of the dynamics the city considers pillars of society before this place, and I think that a detriment to perceiving it, the idea of it, as 'healthy'. I have spoken with someone about that, to understand the way it should function, and how it's twisted here. I've not made much progress there, I'll admit, but I think the desire for that understanding informs the serious nature of my enquiries.
She knows, both that I have reservations, and why.
I'd appreciate anything you might share with me in this endeavour, and you've my sincere gratitude for your consideration.
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[ working with it and pushing past it is admirable, but not exactly something necessary. if everyone involved is aware, then that's fine. as for what he can share . . . well. he thinks d'artagnan might benefit from hearing more about his own doubts, his own hesitancies. ]
I've got problems with control. [ not exactly a secret, to anyone who knows him even slightly beyond the surface level, still a bit personal to just admit, but d'artagnan has noble goals and has been willing to be vulnerable in service of that. so wash will answer it in kind, though he'll stop short of sharing the details of where it comes from. ] I like having it, and I don't like giving it up. That was before coming here.
So showing up here, being assigned a Dominant, you'd think I'd enjoy it, or take to it naturally. But that just makes it worse. What the city does isn't right, and I don't like that there are parts of me that can feel inclined to take advantage of it. Even when we're just drugged up on whatever they've decided to feed us, even when I know that I'm not actually fully aware of the choices I'm making in those altered states of mind. I know myself, and I know what I'm capable of. So I make it a point to be careful.
I won't pretend to have it figured out. I spent a lot of time outright avoiding pushing things with my contract partners even when I knew that might be what they wanted. But that would hurt them in different ways, too. Something I'm still working on.
[ the great thing about knowing ororo and d'artagnan are an item and being able to gently tease him for his obvious discomfort around calling her his girlfriend is that he can't quite be called out for his blatant hypocrisy! but he's still -- navigating this, with natasha. they've made progress. ]
With contracts, its hard not to feel the weight of the city's hand on their backs. Outside of that, though, it's generally more straightforward. If what I want is what they want, if everyone involved is aware of the potential risks and willing to engage regardless or because of them, that's enough for me.
You've noticed I've not talked about shibari or restraints. I can go into my reasons for that specifically, if you'd like, but I don't know if they'd resonate with you. I could also always, of course, show you.
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It's more difficult to fight against one's own nature than something external. I don't particularly desire control, I don't think, but I am violent and bloodthirsty and savage, and not all of those traits are so far buried they're unreachable. I've had control, in a way, and I've thought at times, perhaps uncharitably, that my position at home would've been that of a SIN guard here, at the very least one of their 'police' officers.
[It's not a concept that had existed in his time, not with a name or a distinction thusly, but he encompassed it and he recognises the similarities.]
I know myself capable of terrible things, and that I don't always possess the restraint I should, nor had I cared to, for a long time. I've not engaged sexually with any of my contract partners as a Dominant, and I'd not that desire to further muddle things, but I understand its complication. For the risks, I've not had many discussions that weren't in part unplanned and in the moment, and in those instances, I was not... the one in command of it.
You needn't go beyond broad themes if you've no desire to. I would like perhaps to be shown.
[Shown what? He's not quite sure, or what that would entail, but he knows himself and how he best learns, thrown into it directly.]
I find I am better instructed through demonstration and participation.
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[ though wash did defect twice and try to blow everything up multiple times! but, it is still part of him -- he defected twice, but it means he went back to them once, too. ]
I don't need to know the details of anything you may have done, but I'm sure some of what we struggle with has similar shades. I've been years removed from my war, and I still miss it. I know what kinds of things I've done and what kinds of things I'd still do. And for me, if anything, that's part of the control problem. It's less about controlling other people, and more about making sure I'm always in control of me, at any and all times.
[ he's simplifying, skating by details he'd really rather not discuss, but there is clear and definite truth to it. phrased that way, self-control doesn't seem like something that one would describe as a "problem", but well. wash has to go very far with it. ]
Rope's actually part of that, for me. For some, having control over someone else is most of the appeal, and there's nothing wrong with that -- it's not like I don't enjoy it. But if you were to boil it down, for me it's someone being willing to trust me, to give themselves over to me wholly, and then I get to take that trust and exercise control over them, and over myself.
You can watch me work. It you're willing to let me tie you, it doesn't have to be actually restraining or sexual in any way, I can just work with an arm, show and talk you through what I mean and teach you some of the ropework. You can invite someone with you if that'd make you more comfortable, to be tied instead or to just be present. The arcade I own has some private rooms for gaming purposes that might be a bit smaller but would be fine just for some light work, I can find a space in the city for hire, or you you could come over to mine.
[ not playful or fliratious, here, just simple, direct, professional. it is by nature somewhat intimate, so he can't exactly promise a lack of that, but there doesn't really have to be a sexual component to it unless d'artagnan actually wants it. ]
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Maintaining control of myself is what I've apprehension with. It's difficult for me, and I'd managed only after years of working at it, and managed not to a terribly notable degree. I've slipped here, my trust in myself is precarious. I'd not wish the responsibility of someone giving themselves to me wholly, as you've said. I do understand in doing so, I might conversely practice control over myself, necessarily.
[The connection there does make sense to him, even if thinking about it, of trying it, comes with very unsettling feelings. They're overshadowed by a general disgruntlement upon addressing Wash's last statements, which have struck a chord as being too cosseting, too many allowances for his discomfort and that sparks D'Artagnan's need to challenge himself without second thought.]
I'll not have someone else witness this. I'll thank you not to think me so weak I need a substitute. I've been restrained numerous times and I've no issue with you doing so.
[All but one of those times were involuntarily, and none were sexual in nature or as restrictive as the artful ropework appears to be. The distinction between his past circumstances and his mindset with each one doesn't get considered, however. He's made his snap decision and he'll not retract it.]
The arcade is fine.
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prickly. wash is a little amused, and he doesn't entirely mind -- he likes some pushback, working with differing personalities is just part of the whole thing -- but this is a bit different, just because d'artagnan is specifically asking to learn about what it'd be like from the position of someone who's in control. this is something to take seriously. and so; ]
And I'll thank you to not think of anyone expressing discomfort or lack thereof as weak. I have a responsibility; performing my role involves making sure everyone involved understands what happens, what's at stake, where they can draw lines and what their options are. I will not hold off on asking you those questions to avoid offending your delicate ego.
[ i.e, not asking knowing that d'artagnan might be prickly about it would have been coddling. he works with different people, and has a fondness for working with the stubborn and ornery, but this is about respecting the bottoms he works with, not to mention that element of self-control. these are standards to hold himself to, and he will not compromise them. ]
Drop by when you're able. Tonight's fine, but my schedule's flexible.
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I'll be there tonight.
[D'Artagnan needs to take the opportunity as quickly as it's given, plowing ahead immediately always the best course of action. He does arrive as agreed upon, with little preparation made but to bring a notebook, a small thing tucked away in his jacket pocket. Since he'd last seen Wash, he's taken to wearing modern clothes more frequently and somewhat embracing the ostensible time period the city appears to exist in. Black jeans and shorter boots, a dark navy buttondown, and an olive canvas jacket with a hood he leaves down. He's cut his hair much shorter, and it looks as though he may have shaved yesterday instead of last week. Entering the arcade, D'Artagnan doesn't bother with an assessment of the room, he's here for a purpose, and he only looks for the man he'd come to see, pulling off his gloves and heading for somewhere in the back, the layout not completely unfamiliar, but he'd not been in here for over a year.]
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Cleaned up some since I last saw you, huh? [ ororo's influence, maybe. ] Suits you.
Come with me -- We can use one of the rooms upstairs.
[ the room he leads d'artagnan to is one of the larger ones. there's a couch, some chairs, a table that was clearly central to the room for gaming, but wash had come in earlier to push it aside to give them more space. still not exactly nice and open, but not too cramped, either. there's a small carrying case on the table, flipped open, with a few lengths of rope inside all neatly kept in butterfly coils in different bold colors and slightly different textures. ]
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I was perfectly clean before.
[As the words leave his mouth, he hears the childish retort in them and presses his lips together, refusing to allow himself another remark in that vein, stupid and pointless in his sudden anxious apprehension for this. He follows Wash in silence, taking measure of the room, the space small but serviceable, he presumes, and he feels it a better environment for himself personally, than one might find in a room expressly for the purpose of their lessons. D'Artagnan has been in the Stark Naked playrooms, and he need not think of that incident whilst attempting to absorb all the information he can here. This is an instruction, and he will view it as such, no matter what comes about. Laid out before them, he need examine the carrying case and its contents, fingers sliding over the ropes, determinedly at first, and then more hesitantly, until he retracts his hand and looks away, focused on Wash instead.]
How are we to begin?
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Depends on you. [ he gestures slightly with a tip of his head towards the case -- encouraging him to continue examining the ropes, if he likes. that's basically why wash had left them out, after all. ] When it comes to just the ropework alone, I said I could walk you through a lot of the actual basics pretty quickly. If that's all you want to do right now, a lot of people learn by tying themselves first. I can work on my own arm, you can do yours, and I can talk you through it. It's a good enough start.
But you asked for help for understanding the intricacies of it. [ more than just a series of knots, right? the series of knots are important technical skills to learn, and wash has little doubt d'artagnan could wrap his mind around them with some practice, but everything else, well. ] Why I do it, what I'm thinking, what it means for me or whoever I'm working with. For that, either we can just talk -- or you can let me tie you while we talk.
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I can tie knots, and I could study the patterns and discern them without assistance. I wouldn't... I'd not have asked for help if it was... the design or the function of this that I wished to learn in itself. I've... not only aversion to binding someone because of what I'd mentioned, but I've... little interest in it personally. Sexually. I don't... understand what... I do, let me correct myself, I do understand that there is freedom for some in having physical restriction, the idea of it isn't incomprehensible. Only for me, I've never felt it. I shouldn't have, of course, because I've not done this like this.
[He gestures without meaning, a vague wave of his hand, as he feels he's gotten too convoluted without stating things plainly.]
I want to know what I might do for her. What I can help her achieve in this. What comes for me, if anything, is secondary and I care far less about it, if I'm satisfied in the same way. I don't need to be. I think... if I'd a notion of what is desired from me, and assured that I can't... that it's not without question a place of such authority I could accidentally abuse, I would... be more receptive.
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And you've talked to her about it, yeah? Because if your main concern is what it might do for her, what she gets out of it, what you can help her achieve in it -- she's probably a better person to talk to than me. [ he tips his head slightly. ] But you're here.
So, if you don't mind me asking -- what did she tell you? And what about her answers wasn't enough?
[ he thinks he understands at least some of what d'artagnan's after, maybe not in its entirety. but given that the man is clearly trying earnestly, wash is resolved to do his best to listen and work with him, and hopefully they'll reach what he needs. ]
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Well... No.
[Looking over at Wash then, it's with somewhat of a sheepish expression he tries to manage better in his embarrassment of having this obviously better idea thrust upon him too late.]
It was two months ago when I'd declined her request and we'd not... At the time, it was not a question, not something I'd wished to pursue, and now that it is, that I've thought about it and considered things, I'd... I didn't bring it up with her. I just...
[Texted Wash.]
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Well. [ another raise of an eyebrow, not going to hide his clear amusement, but -- his expression quietens again after a moment. he won't give you too much shit. ] While I do still think I can help, I'm going to suggest that you talk to her about it.
[ and while he won't say so out loud, wash is perfectly happy with meddling a little on this front. because he's gonna be nice here and not breathe a word about this to ororo, but if you take too long to bring it up to her. he will absolutely tell her. don't be dumb. but hey, maybe talking or trying some things out here will help him figure out how to talk to her later, and that's fine too. ]
I'm not her, so I can't really tell you about what she specifically might want out of it or what she wants to achieve from it. I can just tell you about me.
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We can start there.
[Even if he finds this unhelpful in the end, Wash's perspective and the personal feelings he may wish to disclose, the experience is not without its merit.]
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but where does he start? wash is painfully self-aware by necessity, and knows what he gets out of this, but it's always a bit difficult just explain in plain words. it's why he's suggested showing d'artagnan and offered to tie him even if just slightly, but it's clear that d'artagnan has little interest in that aside from pushing back against him out of some perceived slight to his ego, and that's not something wash wants to play into. if d'artagnan brings it up himself, then sure, but otherwise. he's quiet for a moment, fingers drumming lightly against his leg, in thought.
he looks back at d'artagnan, his gaze too-focused, as always. ]
Did you know I can't forget?
[ punctuated, only half-intentionally, by the weight of his gaze. he promises its related. ]
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... Forget what?
[He furrows his eyebrows in genuine confusion, not taking the question as an absolute, but as having missing context.]
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That was the end of the sentence. I can't forget. Anything.
Perfect memory. I wasn't born with it -- it's, ah. An unfortunate consequence of my time as a soldier. [ a half-shrug, leaning back slightly on the couch -- but his eyes, fixed on d'artagnan. too sharp, foo coused, as always. ] Everything I see, touch, hear, even for a moment, I have it perfectly memorized for as long as I'll live.
[ he'll let that rest a bit to let d'artagnan consider the implications of it. they're both soldiers, and while wash hasn't talked about his experience, war is war, no matter what world its in. the things wash has done, they aren't far-off memories. they always feel fresh. like some of the worst things he's done only happened minutes ago. ]
It's part of my control problem.
[ not nearly all of it, but. enough to give d'artagnan an idea.
given d'artagnan's questions and confusion, wash is of the belief that discussions about the concept of power dynamics and control aren't needed, because d'artagnan already knows them -- and of fucking course he does, when he's been living in this city for as long as he has. he just struggles to see what he himself might want in it, if anything, to see how he might fit in it. the solution wash is arriving at, partially in response to d'artagnan's earlier honesty, is to instead be extremely specific to his own experience. where it comes from, how he'd gotten there, what he gets out of it, where his uncertainties lie.
but he's here to give d'artagnan that understanding, not to make him play therapist. so while he gives him time to wrap his head around the idea, he's not going to let it rest for too long before at least making sure they'll stay on that point. ]
It's a lot of why I ended up getting into this, even before I arrived here.
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It gave you something to focus on in your attempt at distraction from your thoughts?... But something more... that you might take control of your mind, deliberately, prove to yourself... you're not part of that collective any longer, not what they made you, but your own person.
[It still sounds like a question, all of it, his assessment lacking confidence and insight, no conviction in what he's trying to understand.]
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but that's lost on most people. the constant vigilance, the need for him to keep memories at bay, to make sure he holds onto who he is and where he is and what he's doing at any at all times. though people tend to understand at least some of difficulties of it if they think about it for a while, to most that wash has shared that with, its just been something interesting he can do. so while he can't quite see how upset d'artagnan is, while wash can't see into his head -- the fact that his immediate reaction was to turn away, his hands wringing. that's different.
he appreciates it, though. but he won't call him out on it, or linger on it -- but there is a definite pause of slight surprise in answer to d'artagnan's assessment. because it's closer than most people get, even after having known him for longer, painfully close for someone who doesn't know any of what wash's been through. not part of that collective any longer -- not what they made you -- memories of white walls and steel pressed against his spine flicker briefly through his thoughts, right in front of his eyes, clear as day, but. he's very well-practiced, by now, after all these years, in not letting himself slip into it.
he nods. ]
Yeah. Definitely. [ his voice is light, calm. whatever d'artagnan's thinking of, he can see the way his hands are working, and -- he's okay. really. all things considered. he'll try to bring him back. ] Also just means I like learning new things. I'm not a genius, memory isn't the same as processing the information I get, but I still learn very quickly compared to most, depending on the skill.
Before the bonus memory kicked in, I'd restrained partners before, but just simple things. I knew my way around rope, but just using cuffs or something was fine. I still liked being in control. But after. [ he didn't just like it anymore. he needed it. ] After, I started getting into rope just as something to learn. Things to fill my head, and something to do with my hands.
[ something that wasn't just -- killing. ]
And to be honest with you, that was where I thought it'd stop. I didn't really think I'd genuinely do it with people, because I couldn't trust myself to. But I started doing it anyway.
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